whoever thought that a cat’s nine lives was a lot… has not met the 4 inch long (no exaggeration whatsoever), 1 inch wide roachmonster that died a very slow (over 24 hours!) death outside the front door of the church office today.
the aforementioned roachmonster was first noticed by Anna when she left the office last night. he was on his back, moving his legs. not kicking or flailing or desperately fighting, just… moving his legs. Janelle found him doing the same thing this morning. in a valiant attempt to “end his suffering” and rescue all of humanity from his tentacles, Janelle sprayed him with every single type of cleaning solution she could find underneath the sink. this made him lie quite still for a bit. naturally, we assumed him dead.
but on no! we were mistaken! a couple hours later, we checked back on him and the legs were going again! we went hunting for bug-killing spray and doused him soundly with that. again, stillness that we presumed to reflect deadness. yet again, we were fooled. after several more dousings and even being sqeezed underneath the door by some cruel, uncaring human who opened the door onto him, we was still moving!!!
at this point we began to wonder if he was, in fact, dead, and his legs were merely still responding to nerve impulses.
i’m sure many of you are asking, “why didn’t you just crush the flipping roach?!” well, i shall tell you. because a fully intact, dead roachmonster of that size, is just far too perfect! “perfect for what?” you ask? perfect for “suprising” another…coworker. a male one. who might just so happen to be in full time ministry. or something. bwahahahaha! it’s not every day us girlies at the office get a chance like this is it?! but you didn’t hear that from me.
so finally, near the end of the day, after it had been nearly 24 hours since the first discovery of the roachmonster, we put him in a cup, covered the top with a plastic bag, and set him in the freezer, figuring that, on the off chance that he was still not dead, we could freeze him to death and ensure of his complete and total, non-moving deadness.