food! glorious food!

i got this on an email forward and thought it was pretty humorous…

Eating Tips for The
Holidays

1.  Avoid carrot sticks.  Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday
buffet
table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit.  In fact, if you see
carrots, leave immediately.  Go next door, where they’re serving rum
balls.

2.  Drink as much eggnog as you can and quickly.  You can’t find
it any
other time of year but now.  So drink up!  Who cares that it has
10,000
calories in every sip?  It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an
“eggnog-aholic” or something.  It’s a treat.  Enjoy
it!!!! Have one for
me.  Have two.  It’s later than you think.  It’s Christmas!

3.  If something comes with gravy, use it.  That’s the whole
point of
gravy.  Gravy does not stand-alone.  Pour it on.  Make a
volcano out of
your mashed potatoes.  Fill it with gravy.  Eat the volcano.
 Repeat.

4.  As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk
or whole milk.  If it’s skim, pass.  Why bother?  It’s like
buying a
sports car with an automatic transmission.

5.  Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control
your eating  The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat
other people’s food for free.  Lots of it.  Hello???

6.  Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New
Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do This is
the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table
while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7.  If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like
frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position
yourself  near them and don’t
budge.  Have as many as you can before becoming the center of
attention.  They’re like a beautiful pair of
shoes.  If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them
again.

8.  Same for pies.  Apple, pumpkin and mincemeat – have a slice
of
each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin.
Always have three.  When else do you get to have more than one
dessert?
Labor Day?

9.  Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it’s loaded with the

mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean,
have
some standards.

10  One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party
or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention.  Reread
tips:
Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

——————

in other news – i got the best christmas present ever from the
pastors yesterday!  after they blessed us with lunch out, much
encouragement, a shopping spree (including the afternoon off  –
yeah, i know!), we returned to the office to find a christmas bonus and
::drummroll please:: phone headsets!!!!! 

yes, i know, i’m a nerd.  but i’ve been “hinting” about
headsets for nearly 2 years now – so this was a massively exciting
christmas present in my book!  woo-hoo!!!

i must agree with my cousin-in-law and ask, “how did i get a job like this?”  amazing…

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7 thoughts on “food! glorious food!

  1. hahahaha. for future reference, i generally dislike recieving forwards, but this one made me laugh. *stamps this post for approval* j/k! lol….
    “9.  Did someone mention fruitcake?  Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost.  I mean, havesome standards.”
    oh, and i’m glad about the head set (:

  2. now you ladies can form a sovereign grace secretaries band. complete with headsets.that forward was funny, it sounds like it was written by W.

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