our story – part 6

(part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4, part 5)

december rolled around and there was a new guy at my church.  he had moved from out of state and just started a new job.  we were briefly introduced after a service and he seemed like a nice guy… we had some mutual friends from his old church… i didn’t think a whole lot of it… until he started interacting with me more.  some texting, chatting with me after church, etc.  usually i am ridiculously naive when it comes to “guy attention” but it didn’t take long for me to pick up on the fact that he was clearly interested in getting to know me better.  and while he was pretty much the opposite of everything i had considered “my type” (or at least compared with all the guys i had historically been drawn to), i thought “he’s a nice guy.  i shouldn’t just write him off.  good guys should be given a chance!  if he wants to get to know me, i’m ok with that.” we talked on the phone a few times, sat next to each other during the singles christmas banquet and texted off and on during the weeks that followed.  he was definitely interested, that much was clear.  but i had no idea how i felt.  our conversations were… nice?  fine?  normal?  there was no objective reason to not allow him to pursue me, so why should i discourage his interest?  

other guys had been interested in pursuing a relationship with me, but they had only gotten as far as my Dad, since i didn’t reciprocate the interest and my Dad and kindly headed them off before it became awkward directly between myself and them.  this was the first guy i had actually been open to.  and yet… i wasn’t sure why.  did i just like the attention he was giving me?  was i giving in to some sense of desperation and just wanted to be in a relationship?  or was this actually the man God had for me and it was just going to take some time before the “spark” appeared?  i didn’t feel anything toward him.  at least not the way i thought i should.  did i just have overly romantic ideas and unrealistic expectations?  maybe.  i had several friends walk through relationships that started out very “objective” and ended it delightful, passionate, head-over-heels marriages.  the first step into a courtship is not a direct indication of what God has for the relationship!  but how much of a role should feelings and “warm fuzzies” and “chemistry” play??  i decided that since there wasn’t anything blatantly objectionable about this guy – at least as far as the essentials go (character, priorities, etc) – then there was no reason not to step forward into a full blown courtship.  right?

let me just pause here and say that my parents weren’t necessarily in favor of this idea.  not because they had concerns about his character or something (again – nothing glaringly wrong with the guy), but because 1) they just didn’t see him as a good fit for me and 2) we had only known each other for… 4 weeks?  this had all come about between thanksgiving and christmas.  my dad recommended that i just continue to get to know him for a couple more months first.  my response?  “we can get to know each other within the context of a courtship.  he’s clearly interested, why not just make it official?”

because things change once something is “official.”  (maybe that’s not the case with all people, but it was definitely the case with me.)

my parents, being the humble people that they are, gave their counsel and allowed me to make the decision on my own.  the guy officially asked me into a relationship on new year’s eve.  i said “yes” and… yeah, everything changed.  at least it did for me.  

i didn’t really understand what i was feeling.  i assumed it was all just excitement over the idea that i was in a relationship!  i texted a handful of my closest friends the news (nearly all of whom already knew what was going on, but still).  i even got a little giddy.  what i didn’t realize at the time was that i was more excited about the idea of having a boyfriend than i was about my actual boyfriend.  when i thought about who i was in a relationship with, i started to feel a little panicky.  mostly because i didn’t have any kind of girlfriend-ish feelings toward him.  i was still in a state of objective “he’s a nice guy, i should give him a chance” mentality.  which is true!  good guys deserve a chance!  

in the 2 weeks that followed we hung out a couple of times, talked on the phone a couple times and texted daily.  and the whole time i was freaking out.  what had i done??  do i even LIKE this guy?  everything in my head said “there’s no objective reason to not allow this guy to court you” while everything in my heart said “what the heck are you doing?”  at one point i told him over coffee that i really only had faith to take the first baby step into the relationship and that was it.  if this was going to move forward, i needed it to be VERY slow.  i was clear that his interest, attraction and affections were MUCH farther along than mine and i needed the poor guy to know where i was at.  he was super gracious and kind and expressed his willingness to be patient and that there was no need to rush.  he was so sweet, it almost made it worse.  

our church’s annual singles retreat fell about 2 weeks after our relationship became official.  we decided to drive up to the retreat together, just to the two of us.  it would be a good opportunity to talk and get to know each other better.  the drive there and back and the weekend retreat in between was where things started to become more clear to me.  we arrived at the retreat and the singles pastor’s wife asked, “soooo, how was the drive?”  i answered, “um… Godly but… boring?”  i didn’t know how else to put it!  it was a fine conversation.  it just wasn’t exactly fun.  or exciting.  or stimulating.

(interesting side note: zach had texted me something random during the drive up and i remember thinking, “crap.  what am i going to do about zach?!  i mean, i don’t want to lose his friendship – he’s one of my closest friends!  but when one of us gets married, eventually our friendship is going to have to change.  and how do i explain my current friendship with zach to this guy?  will it freak him out that one of my best friends is a guy?  and a guy that i once liked, no less!?  ugh.  i can’t think about this right now.  i’ll figure it out later…”)

so i pretty much spent the whole retreat avoiding my boyfriend.  isn’t that terrible?!  i was starting to realize that all of the subjective elements of a courtship were totally lacking and it was freaking me out.  i wasn’t remotely attracted to him physically.  our conversations felt stiff, almost forced.  there was no “chemistry” (from my perspective).  we didn’t even seem to have very many similar interests or tastes in things.  and our personalities?  i felt like we were polar opposites.  but opposites attract sometimes, right??  i’ve never been interested in a guy who was the total opposite from me, but maybe that’s what God has for me!  i mean, it could happen…  i don’t remember a single thing from the actual retreat except being in a constant state of panic and confusion over my current relationship status.  looking back, it was almost hilarious how much of a mess i was.  almost.  

chris & tara (my singles pastor and his wife) sat down with me over dinner on evening at the retreat and very patiently listened and helped me sort a few things out.  my conversation with them helped a few things start to become more clear.  primarily that the subjective things DID matter.  i wasn’t crazy for wanting them to be present.  i began to realize that i had been treating the whole thing as far too one-sided.  i was approaching it as if the objective items were the only ones that truly mattered and therefore the subjective ones should be ignored completely and they’ll magically all fall into place overnight if i just gave it enough time.  i remember feeling much more calm and encouraged by my conversation with them and refreshed by a newfound realization that – while relationship decisions should NOT be made solely on how i feel, if there’s chemistry or warm fuzzies, or if i was wildly attracted to the guy from day 1 – putting too much emphasis on the objective qualities to the exclusion of the subjective was dangerous as well.  relationships are hardly objective – especially romantic ones!  isn’t that sort of the point?  if God has the perfect man out there for me (and me for him), than he is going to perfectly complement who i am as a whole person, objective and subjective elements considered.  if it’s all objective, well then, i could marry any number of guys that fit a basic checklist of qualities!  but i believe that God wants us to consider all aspects in a balanced and faith-filled way as we pursue His will in finding a spouse.  

with these concepts swirling in my head, we started the drive home at the end of the retreat.  the above ideas were nowhere near sorted through or developed in my head.  but my heart was calmer and by the time he dropped me off at my house, one thing had become very clear: i knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that this was not the guy for me.  not because i wasn’t attracted to him physically, not because i didn’t sense that “spark” of chemistry within the first 2 weeks, not because the conversation wasn’t exciting enough.  there was no clear, objective reason why i knew.  i just did.  deep down inside i just knew that i wasn’t going to marry this man.

i told my parents about everything that had happened over the weekend.  they were in full support.  although they had known from the start that this wasn’t the guy for me, they also knew that it would be better for the Holy Spirit to show that to me in His timing than for them to try and talk me out of it.  praise God for confirmation.  the next day i had another conversation with chris & tara about the next step.  chris basically told me that if i was sure of my decision then i needed to break it off right away and not allow it to continue on.  that wouldn’t be fair to the guy.  

i went home and made the call. i told him i didn’t have faith to continue in the relationship.  i assured him that it wasn’t because of anything he had or hadn’t done and that he was a great guy.  i just… couldn’t do it.  oh gosh.  the poor guy.  the whole “it’s not you, it’s me” thing has never been helpful, especially because i didn’t have any concrete reasons to give him.  but i didn’t know what else to say.  he was very gracious and as understanding as he could be.  he didn’t press me with questions.  he said he was disappointed but he was willing to end it since i wasn’t willing to continue.  i wouldn’t have blamed him if he thought, “she didn’t even give me a chance.  it’s only been a couple weeks!”  i’m sure he was hurt and confused.  sigh.  but i knew it was what i needed to do and i agreed with chris that it wasn’t fair to continue in the relationship when i knew he wasn’t the one for me.

(brief aside: i’m not advocating that who-you-marry decisions should be made within the first 2 weeks of starting a relationship with someone, especially just because you don’t “feel” all the butterflies you were expecting or hoping to feel right off the bat.  in my observation, MOST relationships take at least several months’ time to unfold and for 2 people to come to a place of confidence in regards to God’s will for them together (or not).  and i think that that is normal and healthy.  in all honesty, i believe that if i had listened to my dad and just given the friendship more time than i never would have started courting the guy in the first place.  but i also believe that God, in His sovereignty and love, had reasons for allowing both me and the guy to have this experience.)

after hanging up the phone, i felt sad for the guy but a huge sense of relief for me.  as sad as i was for what i had just put this guy through, i also felt a strong sense of peace from the Lord that i had made the right move.  and i had to trust that God would meet him in the hurt and disappointment.  

i texted that same handful of friends that i had ended the relationship.  zach was in that group.  and he called me within minutes.  “what happened?  are you ok?” (please note: zach is really not much of a phone guy.  he and i RARELY talked on the phone.  i was actually a little shocked to see that he was calling.)  after giving him the abbreviated version he assured me that i had just walked out a successful courtship.  “the point is to find out if this is the person God has for you – and you did.”  that was a little comforting.  ironically, zach was the only friend who called me that night!  the other friends i had texted were either already in bed, out of town, across the country, etc. and for one reason or another, weren’t in a position to call me.  it makes us both smile now to realize that we “ended up” being the one that was there for each other immediately after a break-up.  

what i didn’t know then was that 1) when i had originally texted zach that i was IN a relationship, he had made a beeline for one of his friends who knew the guy and began peppering him with questions.  upon hearing what his friend had to say about the guy, he knew right away that the guy wasn’t a good fit for me.  and he began praying that i would see that quickly.  2) while zach wasn’t consciously interested in pursuing me yet, the fact that i had started courting someone else had been something of a wake-up call for him.  i wasn’t always going to just be there for zach as a friend forever.  he began to realize, “if she marries someone [else]… i could lose her….”

what i’ve been reading – july

 

what i read in july ~

fun/fiction:
A Tale of Two Castles by Gail Carson Levine


i’ve read about half a dozen of Gail Carson Levine’s juveline fiction books and i love them!  most of them are fanciful tales of young girls who find themselves in situations requiring courage, strength and intelligence to get through.  there is such a sense of innocence and old fashioned loveliness in her stories that draw me in and make me smile all the way through.  additionally, levine is delightfully creative with the tales, characters and worlds that she spins!  a tale of two castles was no exception.  here’s the plot summary from amazon.com:

“Newly arrived in the town of Two Castles, Elodie unexpectedly becomes the assistant to a brilliant dragon named Meenore, and together they solve mysteries. Their most important case concerns the town’s shape-shifting ogre, Count Jonty Um: Someone is plotting against him. Elodie must disguise herself to discover the source of the threat amid a cast of characters that includes a greedy king, a giddy princess, and a handsome cat trainer.”

there were 2 things i particularly enjoyed about this little story.  first was that when elodie arrives in two castles she is quite sure of what she wants.  but when obstacles arise and she has to adjust, she rises to the occasion and makes the best of it.  she doesn’t give up on her dream, but she realizes that maybe the path to her life’s goal will need to wind about in ways she didn’t expect – but that path can still be an incredible adventure.  second, is that by the end of the book elodie has a different perspective on life, the nature and character of those around her and her own personal hopes and dreams.  the adventure that she experiences changes her into a more mature, discerning and empathetic girl and it was neat to see her character develop with each page i turned.  

while books like these may be “fluff” for someone like me to read, i also find myself encouraged to know that there are still good, sweet, adventure stories out there for young girls.  as one who read voraciously as a youth, it gets me excited for any daughters i may have!

spiritual:
the attributes of God by Arthur W. Pink


july was a rough month.  during the first part of the month i had another miscarriage.  it was almost exactly like the miscarriage we had last july (we had only known for a week, essentially was just like a heavy period with lots of cramping, etc).  except this one was way harder on every other level.  i wouldn’t go so far as to say it was devastating, but it was really really hard.  we had been “trying” for a baby for almost a full year and this was the first positive pregnancy test we’d had since the last miscarriage.  so to lose that one too felt so much more disappointing.  i hit a low point of hopelessness that weekend like i had never experienced in my life.  i told zach that it felt like the question was no longer “when?” but “if?”  

in the midst of intense and fluctuating emotions i knew that i needed to draw closer to God as the ultimate source of hope and comfort.  so i reached for my copy of the attributes of God.  that may sound like an odd book to go for when needing comfort, but i’ve found that i can’t help but be affected and changed deep in my heart when i simply read more about who God is – His faithfulness, His goodness, His sovereignty, His mercy.  

i know that it’s ok to feel emotion, engage with your feelings, weep, cry out to God honestly, be sad because of the loss and to hurt because we just don’t understand why.  and i definitely did all of those things – several times over.  i wasn’t reading as a means of ignoring what i felt or to try and overcome it all by being super-spiritual or anything.  as with all things in my life, i need balance.  and i’m not always very good at walking a balanced life, especially when strong emotions are involved.  the chapters of this book seemed to at least keep me relatively tethered to objective truth and kept me from being completely tossed about by my emotional state.  i can’t even say that reading this book made me feel “all better” and that everything was fine and dandy a few chapters in.  it actually took a good 8 weeks before i felt that my heart was actually headed confidently down the path of healing, calmness and held some semblance to normalcy again.  

we have begun the process of the standard battery of medical tests just to check and see if there is anything glaringly wrong with either me or zach that may be causing the miscarriages.  thus far everything has come back completely normal, which is pretty much what we expected.  while “no news is good news,” in situations like this, “no news” can sometimes be even more frustrating because it means no clear answers.  we don’t feel the need to arrive at any conclusive statements about our ability to have a biological family at this point – after all, something seems to be working since we’ve technically conceived twice.  but we feel that it is the prudent and responsible thing to prayerfully pursue medical testing (along with some of our own naturopathic research) and see if God might reveal something to us through those means.  

we would definitely appreciate your prayers for us!  having children is a strong desire of our hearts!  we absolutely believe that God has children for us and we want to trust in His methods and timing for bringing that about in our lives. 

3 years married

3 years today!  gosh that seems like such a small number, to be honest.  i think because zach and i have known each other for much longer (9+ years since we met) and were such good friends for several years before we even began courting, it feels like our “togetherness” amounts to much longer than 3 years.  but nope, it is 3 years of marriage today! 

 
(pictures by the ever lovely lydia jane)

3 seems to be our number thus far.  3 years of marriage… 3 states… 3 apartments… 3 jobs…

marriage continues to be far better than either of us had dreamed.  and i think that falling asleep next to each other every night is only bested by getting to wake up next to each other every morning.

i feel like there’s so much to say… about how much my husband has grown into an even more amazing husband than he was when we got married… about how God has so faithfully led us and sustained us through some big life changes… about how grateful i am for our rhythm of life…the way zach honors and loves me in such humbling and truly Christ-like ways… and yet words seem to fail me… at least, cohesive, blog-worthy words.  ask me in person and i could probably ramble on for hours about how we have grown as man&wife, particularly in the last year…

it’s been a grand and happy adventure every step of the way, and i have a feeling that year 4 may hold even more adventure for us!

PS – check out the fabulous anniversary present zach gave me!

our story – part 5

(part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4)

so i had my answer.  zach was dating someone else.  he had never been interested in me “that way.”  

God was still good.  and as much as i was disappointed, i wasn’t heartbroken or devastated.  if zach wasn’t the guy for me, then that meant God had someone better and I just had to wait.  

we can sort of hit “fast forward” for the 9 months that followed.  in a nutshell, i continued to enjoy my single life (traveled to visit friends, kept super active in my singles group, served my church, worked full time in the office…).

and zach and i somehow stayed friends. we still chatted online several times a week and texted occasionally.  raigan and i went out for another new year’s eve / rose bowl parade weekend and hung out with zach and his girlfriend, among other friends.  zach’s band, west coast revival, did a concert at new attitude (2007) and we hung out during that weekend too.  (at one point i did asked zach how his girlfriend felt about us keeping up communication and hanging out; apparently they had decided not to let their dating relationship keep them from their other friendships, plus one of her best friends was a guy, so it was fine by her. ::shrug:: )

so one monday in september i noticed that zach’s “relationship status” had changed on facebook and was no longer listing him as “in a relationship.”  whoa.  where did THAT come from??  it seemed completely out of the blue, so naturally i picked up my phone and texted him right away.  hey i saw the fb relationship status change.  is everything ok?  it wasn’t.  he was a wreck.  he was emotional and dramatic and felt like his life was falling apart.  i was shocked and had no idea what to do.  we texted furiously for the next 24 hours as he dealt with the break up and i attempted to extended some form of care from 400 miles away.  coincidentally (ha!), raigan and i were coming out to pasadena that very weekend for a wedding and would be staying at jonathan & nicole’s.  i texted zach hey, i’m actually going to be in town this weekend.  why don’t we get coffee on saturday morning and talk?  he agreed.

that saturday morning i woke up early.  zach met me out front and we walked to the local coffee shop a couple blocks away and then took our coffee to the nearby park. and he started to spill.  the nutshell version (aka the blog version) is that God had convicted zach that while everything looked fine and dandy on the outside, there were a lot of areas in his life that he was not truly and/or fully submitting to the Lord, and that there needed to be some dramatic changes in his life to get back on track.

i’m pretty sure i didn’t say anything helpful or profound during that coffee conversation in the park. i mumbled something or other about God being at work in his life but i mostly just tried to be a comfort.  he was very discouraged… but there was still a glimmer of hope in his heart.  i’m not sure he even saw it, but i did.  i had hope for him!  

(interesting side note #1 – while we were sitting at the park drinking coffee, jonathan & nicole walked by across the street on their way to get coffee themselves.  nicole remembers looking over and thinking, “oh what a cute couple!  oh wait – that’s zach and andrea.  ack!  oops!  i mean… nevermind?”)

(interesting side note #2 – that park we were sitting at?  it’s 1 block away from our current apartment.  yep!  we live just down the street!  looking back, we both shake our heads and think “if you had told us THEN, that in 3 ½ years we would be married to each other, living a block away and zach would be an Air Traffic Controller we would have thought you were crazy!”  i love seeing how God works.)

the next couple months were months of intense growth for zach.  he worked very hard and very closely with his dad to allow God to grow him into the man he should be – one who submits his life to the Lord and seeks to live fully for Him first and foremost in all areas.  we didn’t see each other much in the couple months that followed, but we continued to stay in moderate contact.  he came out to arizona in november for a regional men’s conference that my church was hosting and we hung out a lot there (i was part of the administrative team helping put on the conference).  

(pictured here with my friends drew and josh who are now married to two very dear friends of mine!  see the pink jacket?  and the pink bug on my name tag?  those were the indicators for the 6 of us girl staff who worked the conference – our boss wanted to make sure we all stood out in the sea of 800 male attendees haha!)

so you may be wondering what my reaction was to zach suddenly being single and available again.  did i immediately start liking him all over again and begin hoping that we would get together now?  nope.  not at all.  not even close.  by this time i had realized that he definitely didn’t see me “that way” and i had simply become very thankful for the close friendship that we had.  i was happy with that and not interested in anything more.  honest truth.  in fact, i even started dating someone else…

what i’ve been reading: june

Still catching up… (almost there)!

June’s reads

Fun/Fiction: On the Edge of the Dark Sea of Darkness: Adventure Peril, Lost Jewels, and the Fearsome Toothy Cows of Skree (The Wingfeather Saga #1) by Andrew Peterson

This book was such a blast!  I’m not typically a big fan of fantasy, but this book is more of a cross between historical-ish and fantasy.  And I LOVED it! 

Here’s the summary from amazon.com: “Once, in a cottage above the cliffs on the Dark Sea of Darkness, there lived three children and their trusty dog Nugget. Janner Igiby, his brother Tink, their crippled sister Leeli are gifted children as all children are, loved well by a noble mother and ex-pirate grandfather. But they will need all their gifts and all that love to survive the evil pursuit of the venomous Fangs of Dang who have crossed the dark sea to rule the land with malice and pursue the Igibys who hold the secret to the lost legend and jewels of good King Wingfeather of the Shining Isle of Anniera.”

One of the things I enjoyed most about this story was the realness of the characters and in particular, the development of Janner (who’s something of the main character).  The way that Peterson captured his struggles, desires, conflicts, yearnings, frustrations and delights as an adolescent boy wrestling through what it means to be a young man of responsibility, courage, selflessness, hard work, clear thinking and identity.  The story kept me guessing throughout, wondering what would happen next (although I did figure out the “twist” about 2 chapters prior to the reveal).  I had read about half the book off and on in spare moments over about 2 weeks and then took it with me while waiting for our car to get worked on.  I read for nearly 4 hours straight and kept hoping the mechanic would take just a little bit longer so I could finish the book!  The last quarter of the book especially had me reading so fast!  This is definitely on my list of books to buy – not only so I can read it again, but so that my children can read it one day.  The enjoyable blend of promoting good character in the midst of difficult circumstances and real struggles impressed me.  And the story was just plain fun!  I ordered book #2 to take with me on vacation in a few weeks.  It will definitely be a challenge to hold off on starting it ahead of time!

 

Spiritual/Non-Fiction: A Gospel Primer for Christians: Learning to See the Glories of God’s Love by Milton Vincent

This was actually a re-read for me.  And definitely not just the 2nd time through.  I think this was at least my 3rd or 4th read – yes, it’s that good and yes, it’s worth re-reading that many times (and more)!  I had recently felt that I was struggling to understand the ways that the Gospel applies to my every day life (in meaningful ways beyond just having saved me from an eternity apart from God in Hell).  I knew that this book was ALL ABOUT how the Gospel transforms every facet of our every day lives and thus I plucked it from my bookshelf and dove in again.  It was definitely what I needed.  It was humbling to read it.  Vincent has a very simple and straightforward writing style – he just says it like it is.  I was humbled by the reminder of how simple the Gospel is and how simply it applies to my daily life.  This simplicity also encouraged my soul – living in light of Christ’s completed work on the cross does not need to be – nor should it be – a complicated thing!  How do I keep managing to just screw it up and complicate it over and over again?!  I felt refreshed and renewed after this read.  And I need to make sure I keep it close by.  It’s definitely a book that, upon completion, can easily be picked right back up and started again.  Actually, I’m thinking that I’d like to spend some extended time using it as a study book next year, taking it VERY slowly, looking up and reading all the scripture references, taking notes/journaling, etc.  While it was wonderfully refreshing to read through it again, it only left me wanting to go deeper!  What a great thing!